Published in TheNutGraph on 17th November 2008

by Shanon Shah

JANGAN cabar fatwa. Itulah arahan yang dikeluarkan oleh Menteri di Jabatan Perdana Menteri, Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi, tanggal 10 Nov 2008. Menurut laporan Utusan Malaysia, arahan tersebut dikhususkan kepada pertubuhan bukan kerajaan (NGO) bukan Islam, Katagender dan Food-not-Bombs, yang berdemonstrasi membantah keputusan Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan tentang pengharaman pengkid 23 Okt lalu.

Malah Ketua Polis Negara, Tan Sri Musa Hassan, juga memberi amaran yang sama kepada “NGO bukan Islam” berkenaan pada 13 Nov. Pulak dah!

Laporan mutakhir untuk Zahid dan Musa — Katagender bukannya satu “NGO bukan Islam”. Ia merupakan satu kolektif pelbagai kaum dan agama, termasuk lelaki dan wanita Islam. Dan bantahan terhadap fatwa ini bukan hanya timbul di kalangan orang bukan Islam. Ramai juga orang Islam yang mempersoalnya. Artikel saya sebelum ini juga merujuk kepada isu ini.

Tapi menurut Zahid lagi, tidak wajar untuk sesiapa “mempertikaikan sesuatu hukum berasaskan logik akal semata-mata untuk kepentingan liberalisme bagi kelompok tertentu.”

Ini bukan satu pendapat yang baru, atau pendirian yang khusus kepada Zahid. Kira-kira tiga tahun yang lalu, presiden Angkatan Belia Islam Malaysia atau Abim, Yusri Mohamad, menggunakan hujah yang sama apabila beberapa kumpulan wanita membantah Rang Undang-Undang Keluarga Islam (Wilayah Persekutuan) (Pindaan) 2005.

Menurut laporan Utusan Malaysia, 12 Jan 2006, Yusri berkata, “[P]eruntukan yang ada dalam [Rang Undang-Undang Keluarga Islam] itu tidak seharusnya dibahas atau diperkatakan mengikut akal fikiran manusia kerana ia berasaskan hukum syarak.”

Presiden Abim Yusri Mohamad Katanya lagi, “Kita juga perlu ingat tidak semua orang boleh bercakap mengenai hukum syarak kerana ia berasaskan Al-Quran dan hadis.”

Masa saya Tingkatan Dua, ustaz saya juga pernah berpesan supaya jangan mempersoal hukum agama. Nanti jadi gila, katanya. Jadi saya pun berhenti mempersoal apa sahaja tentang agama Islam, sebab saya takut nanti saya jadi gila.

Namun, saya terus terbaca dan terdengar perkara-perkara berbau diskriminasi terhadap wanita, bukan Islam, dan golongan gay, lesbian dan mak nyah — tetapi bertopengkan “hukum” atau “fatwa”. Inilah yang membuatkan saya hampir-hampir gila, bukannya soalan yang saya ada tentang firman Allah.

Menurut perintah

Tetapi, adakah perintah yang dikeluarkan oleh Zahid itu tepat? Benarkah di dalam Islam, orang Islam mahupun bukan Islam tidak boleh menggunakan akal dan logik untuk menilai sesuatu hukum?

Saya bukannya seorang ulama, tetapi saya merupakan seorang Muslim yang selalu mendapat ilham daripada kitab suci Al-Quran.

Allah berfirman dalam Surah Al-Jaathiyah, Ayat 5: “Dan [pada] pertukaran malam dan siang silih berganti, dan juga [pada] rezeki yang diturunkan oleh Allah dari langit, lalu Ia hidupkan dengannya tumbuh-tumbuhan di bumi sesudah matinya, serta [pada] peredaran angin, [semuanya itu mengandungi] tanda-tanda [yang membuktikan keesaan Allah, kekuasaanNya, kebijaksanaanNya, serta keluasan rahmatNya] bagi kaum yang mahu menggunakan akal fikiran.”

Bagi saya, jelas sekali Islam mementingkan penggunaan akal fikiran untuk menilai dunia dan kewujudan alam.

Tetapi besar kemungkinan pendirian saya akan diserang kerana saya tidak mempunyai tauliah sebagai seorang ulama. Jadi saya ambil satu contoh dari sejarah perkembangan Islam pada awal abad ke-20, yang diceritakan dengan lebih terperinci dalam Islam: A Short Introduction, oleh Abdulkader Tayob.

Pada masa itu, komuniti Islam di India sedang dilanda kekeliruan tentang peranan teknologi dalam amal ibadat. Sekitar masa ini, alat pembesar suara mula digunakan dalam pelbagai konteks di serata dunia. Masyarakat Islam di India tidak tahu sama ada alat pembesar suara boleh digunakan dalam konteks sembahyang berjemaah.

Dalam sembahyang berjemaah di masjid, imam akan berdiri di hadapan dan menerajui semua bacaan dan gerakan yang akan dituruti oleh jemaah yang lain. Apabila bilangan jemaah terlalu besar, saf di belakang mungkin tidak dapat melihat atau mendengar imam. Jadi, beberapa orang mukabbir akan menyelangi saf-saf pada jarak tertentu dan mengeluarkan laungan yang menjadi panduan kepada jemaah lain untuk mengikut pergerakan imam.

Tetapi pada tahun 1963, satu fatwa yang penting diterbitkan oleh Mufti Muhammad Shafie dari madrasah Darul Uloom, Deoband. Darul Uloom diasaskan pada tahun 1867, dan mempelopori ajaran mazhab Hanafi. Ia merupakan salah satu institusi dakwah Islam yang paling terkemuka di dunia. Malah, saya terbaca dalam majalah Off the Edge edisi November 2008 bahawa Mursyidul Am PAS sendiri, Datuk Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat, telah melanjutkan pelajarannya di Deoband pada tahun 1950an.

Tapi kita berbincang tentang Mufti Shafie, bukan Nik Aziz. Shafie telah mengeluarkan satu fatwa yang mengharamkan penggunaan alat pembesar suara dalam solat berjemaah. Ini bukan calang-calang fatwa. Impaknya pun amat serius kerana walaupun golongan Islam merupakan minoriti di India, populasinya tetap gergasi jika dibandingkan dengan negara-negara lain.

Namun, beberapa tahun selepas itu, alat pembesar suara mula digunakan secara berleluasa untuk solat jemaah dalam masjid-masjid di Mekah dan Madinah, tanpa sebarang pengharaman oleh ulama Arab Saudi. Jadi, Mufti Shafie terpaksalah mengkaji semula fatwanya, dan akhirnya menterbalikkan pengharamannya terhadap penggunaan alat pembesar suara.

Kepentingan umum

Jadi, bagi sayalah sekurang-kurangnya, sesuatu fatwa itu penting untuk mencapai kesinambungan dalam penghayatan agama Islam. Akan tetapi, fatwa boleh berubah mengikut keadaan dan keperluan semasa. Malah, fatwa boleh dicabar dalam konteks tertentu. Dalam sejarah Islam, para alim ulama sering mengeluarkan pendapat tentang hukum-hakam, tetapi mereka amatlah merendah diri dalam hal ini.

Imam Shafie sendiri pernah berkata, “Pendapat saya adalah betul, namun kemungkinan bahawa saya salah tetap wujud.” Dan pemikirannya telah menjadi asas kepada mazhab Shafie yang tersebar ke Asia Tenggara.

Ketika pemerintahan Abbasid, khalifah Mansur pernah cuba mempamerkan Muwatta oleh imam Malik di Kaabah, sebagai panduan kepada rakyat di seluruh empayar Islam. Malik tidak membenarkan Mansur berbuat demikian, dengan hujah bahawa umat Islam di kawasan yang berlainan mungkin mempunyai pandangan dan tafsirannya sendiri. Kata Malik, “Kepelbagaian pendapat itu adalah rezeki Allah kepada ummah.”

Jadi, adakah perintah supaya orang awam tidak mencabar fatwa mengambilkira realiti sejarah tamadun Islam seperti ini? Zahid berkata bahawa pihaknya bersedia untuk menjelaskan fatwa pengharaman pengkid tersebut kepada pihak NGO. Malah, Zahid berkata bahawa Wilayah Persekutuan akan cuba mewartakan fatwa tersebut secepat mungkin.

Jika fatwa tersebut diwartakan, ia akan membawa kuasa undang-undang — mana-mana wanita yang dianggap memaparkan ciri-ciri pengkid akan dilihat sebagai penjenayah. Adakah ini dianggap sebagai contoh hikmah dan kebijaksanaan yang dibawa oleh Islam?

Saya sendiri bukannya mempersoalkan fatwa ini sekarang. Tetapi saya ingin tahu bagaimanakah pewartaan dan pelaksanaan fatwa ini akan menjamin keadilan dan kesaksamaan terhadap rakyat Malaysia?

Benar, kita tidak patut mempersendakan atau memperlekehkan mana-mana ajaran agama di Malaysia yang majmuk ini. Tetapi, bila sesuatu fatwa itu digunakan untuk membentuk dasar awam yang memberi kesan mendalam kepada kepentingan umum, kita semua berhak untuk melontarkan pendapat masing-masing secara terbuka.

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Shanon Shah yakin bahawa rakyat Malaysia yang berbilang agama dan kaum semakin mampu menangani perbezaan pendapat secara matang.

Many thanks to The Sun for their permission to republish this article by Jacqueline Ann Surin which was orginally published in The Sun on 7th October 2005 and reprinted in Jacqueline’s book, “Shape Of A Pocket”. Jacqueline is currently working as an editor at The Nut Graph.

THERE is a particular potency about prejudices that are reinforced by the words or actions of those in power. When in 1998, our former premier Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad accused his then deputy Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim of being a homosexual and who, hence, was not fit to be in public office, a group was, almost immediately, set up to combat homosexuality in Malaysia.

The group, called the People’s Voluntary Anti-Homosexual Movement or Pasrah (for its Malay acronym) was set up by former Umno Supreme Council member Datuk Ibrahim Ali. Pasrah called homosexuality a “new threat to the country”, following apparently in the likes of communism, the Aedes mosquito and HIV/AIDS. It was a “serious social illness”, founder chairman Ibrahim declared, that had seeped into all levels of society.

Suddenly, gay men were deemed a threat that needed to be weeded out and dealt with. How homosexuality could threaten the nation was never explained except for the oft-repeated description of sodomy as despicable. Western values were also blamed for the rise in homosexuality.

Such assertions need to be unpackaged if we don’t want to remain a gullible public that allows those in power to define the way we should treat groups of people within our communities. It would be instructive perhaps to note that historically, homosexuality was acceptable in both Western and Eastern cultures and has not always been socially condemned. Argentinian anthropologist and award-winning writer Alberto Manguel points out in Into the Looking Glass Wood (1998): “In ancient Greece and Rome, no moral distinction was made between homosexual and heterosexual love; in Japan, gay relationships were formally accepted among the samurai; in China, the emperor himself was known to have male lovers. Among the native people of Guatemala, gays are not seen as outsiders.”

Manguel writes that hostility against gays did not become widespread until the mid-12th century. He adds that despite this hostility, “until the nineteenth century the homosexual was not perceived as someone distinct, someone with a personality different from that of the heterosexual, someone who could be persecuted not only for a specific act contra natura but merely for existing”.

It would seem then the anti-gay sentiments that our leaders spout are not particularly grounded in Eastern values, it is very much a product of Western prejudices against those who may be different in their sexual orientation. It is a fact that the clause in the Penal Code that criminalises sodomy is adopted from British laws. And if by the greatest stretch of imagination, sodomy was really despicable and a crime against society, heterosexual couples would be guilty, too.

The problem with prejudices, writes Manguel is that it “traps within its boundaries a heterogenous group of individuals whose single common denominator is determined by the prejudice itself”. Sometimes the prejudice can even be stretched to include those who may share a particular trait with the group being singled out. Some years back, when rumours were being spread about a politician as being a lesbian, a colleague received a phone call from an Umno Youth member who said he had evidence that the politician was a homosexual: “She doesn’t wear any lipstick.” By that definition, that made nearly half of the women in the newsroom lesbians though many were demonstrably heterosexual.

Last month, at a Suhakam conference, Dr Mahathir repeated his allegations about Anwar being gay and how “nobody would be safe” if a homosexual was in power. He also took a swipe at media who were critical of his actions against Anwar, saying that among them were gay people. Manguel notes that the “group created by prejudice comes into existence not by the choice of the individuals forming it, but by the reaction of those outside it.”

I have gay friends but I am not writing this for them because it would be presumptuous to think I could speak for them. I am also not writing this because I am homosexual, as if only gays can understand an injustice when it happens. I write this so that we can ask of ourselves, why the reaction towards homosexuals? Why the prejudice against those who may be different from us? And what does it say about us, the people who label homosexuals as being “despicable” and a “threat” when really, what are heterosexuals to homosexuals, if not different, too?

Here is Dina Zaman’s column published in The Star today regarding transsexuals.

_____________________________________________________________

A TRANSSEXUAL asked: “Since Islam rejects people like me, may I leave Islam?”

“Now I know you are really crazy! You’re already in trouble with the
authorities, you want to court more trouble?” her colleague
interjected.

“I don’t see what the problem is. You, and I, and everyone here are
subject to harassment all the time, and constantly reminded that we
are an abhorrent to the faith. So why be part of a religion that
rejects you?”

This particular dilemma was discussed at an audit I undertook as part
of an HIV/AIDS project recently.

The audit was conducted to identify gaps in outreach work in HIV/AIDS
in Malaysia, and the discussion with transsexuals, who make up a good
number of marginalised communities (the others are injecting drug
users, gay men and sex workers), was illuminating to say the least.

A transsexual identifies ‘herself’ as – or desires to live and be
accepted as – a member of the sex opposite to that assigned at birth.

In Malaysia, derogatory slang to describe them would be pondans, laki
lembut or mak nyah, though the latter term has been embraced by the
community as an identifying factor in their cause.

The public perception of transsexuals ranges from contempt and
revilement to resigned acceptance.

The fact is, transsexuals have existed in our society even before
Independence, and played a significant role in the community.

They’re the dapur pondans – kitchen helpers – who worked for families
as cooks and cleaners in a long gone era, and in villages were known
as meks, who acted as the local tailor, make-up artist and wedding
planner.

It is fascinating to compare the fond memories of the older generation
of Malaysians who grew up with transsexuals as neighbours and domestic
help.

The argument that is bandied in contemporary Malaysia is that they
knew their place, and were not ‘out there’ now as transsexuals who –
as moralists have argued – contribute to moral decay.

From a religious standpoint, transsexualism is forbidden. Islam
permits hermaphrodites to undergo sex change operations so the person
can choose to be either a female or male.

Forbidden are mukhannis – men who behave like women and dress like
them, and even undergoing sex change surgery to become women.

Non-Muslim transsexuals fare slightly better than their Muslim
counterparts, as there is no official ruling as with the Muslims, even
though their religions also forbid such actions. If caught, they would
be charged for cross dressing and indecent behaviour under Section 21
of the Minor Offences Act 1955.

A Muslim man caught cross dressing can be charged under Section 28,
Syariah Criminal Offences (FT) Act 1997, for immoral behaviour, and is
liable to a fine not exceeding RM1,000 or to imprisonment not
exceeding one year, or both.

The biggest grouse that rose out of the discussion was how they were
portrayed on television shows by male personalities. Camped up, and in
the words of a TS “? crude and lascivious ?” Not all transsexuals are
involved in sex work, are campy, crass and uneducated.

“Why are we made the receiving end of jokes?” a transsexual asked.
“The authorities tell us that what we do is bad ? as we are men, and
should behave like men.

“And on television you have male actors dressed in drag, and playing
it up to the hilt. And the language used! This makes us look bad.

“It doesn’t help when a few TS also play up to the myth by being loud
and crass.”

Also noted was how the media approached the subject of transsexuals
and transgender. The Malay media would be rather patronising, which
does not help the cause. The English media sit on the fence, while the
Chinese press is more open and sympathetic.

What transsexuals want is for them and the media to work together to
highlight the social and health issues they face, so that they can do
more effective advocacy work with government and religious
authorities.

The reason a number of TS are involved in sex work is because they do
not have a source of income.

With the market already so saturated by wedding planners of various
sexualities (not all transsexuals want a career in fashion and
cosmetics), and in ‘proper’ professional institutions their very
presence clashes with the image of the organisation, where are they to
go, and what are they to do?

B who comes from a well-to-do and supportive Malay family, thinks the
problems could be solved if transsexuals themselves do not engage in
“improper behaviour”.

She is one of the very few transsexuals who keep away from the Mak
Nyah community. She considers herself well educated and proper, and
does not indulge in clubbing and other activities that transsexuals
involve themselves in, as she believes all these negate their cause.

When asked if she would consider mentoring, as she would be considered
a ’successful transgender’ who has assimilated well in society, she
declined.

The issue of class and economic status is too jarring, and there would
be resentment.

“It’s how you carry yourself, that makes people respect you. I know
people think I’m a snob, but I could never let down my family.”

She practises safe sex, dates ‘proper men’ and not “sell her body”.
She has no contact with her ’sisters’ from Chow Kit and from the less
stellar parts of Kuala Lumpur.

All is not lost. Already there are success stories: at PT Foundation,
a weekly fardhu ain class is held for TS, sex workers and people in
the community, so they can learn more about Islam.

More transsexuals are claiming their rights and are empowered. What
the authorities, the medical community, human rights activists and the
TS community should do is to keep on engaging with each other on TS
issues.

The writer lives in KL. She thanks her readers for their emails but is
unable to reply to everyone because of work.

Many thanks to Susan Loone for her permission to reproduce this post from her blog www.sloone.wordpress.com. The original post, http://sloone.wordpress.com/2008/05/28/lesbians-and-gays-take-to-the-streets/#more-1231 was written on 28 May 2008. Susan is a Bangkok-based freelance writer and human rights activist.

First Gay Parade in Indonesia. Now, do you think you will ever see this in Malaysia? I wonder what is Pakatan Rakyat’s stand on this. I am sure there will be a million conflicting views.

 May 17 was International Day Against Homophobia. Our Indonesia sisters and brothers took to the streets in Jakarta to say No against homophobia, lesbophobia and tranphobia, as these prejudices can be so thick that those holding them become irrational towards the gay community. 

Are you homophobic, lesbophobic or transphobic? Go on reading.

Gay rights are human rights. If you believe in freedom of religion and belief, if you believe in human rights, you would allow them their place on earth.

 In Indonesia, the Ardhanary Institute (Women LBT Reserch, Publishes and Advocacy Centre) and the Indonesian Coalition of Women LGBT Rights are formost in raising this controversial issue at the national and international level.

It would be interesting to see the day when even men come out in support of gay women rights in Malaysia.

Many thanks to Dina Zaman for her permission to reproduce this article from her book, “I Am Muslim”, published by Silverfish Books Sdn. Bhd. in 2005. This article was also published by www.malaysiakini.com. Dina Zaman is a local writer and columnist.

(image from MSNBC news)

X is at the crossroads of her life. She has been on the Hajj twice. The last trip had her questioning the one main issue that had brought her much love and happiness, but did not coincide with her religious beliefs.

X is a lesbian. She is in a dilemma: if she chooses the right path, she knows she may find a place in paradise, but her life will be without companionship and sex. Should she decide to opt for love and a home with a woman, she can pray all she wants, flagellate herself if need be, but she’ll never touch the lowest of heavens.

“I don’t know what to do. When I went to Mecca for my Hajj, I prayed to God to take away my sexuality, make me normal, because no matter how hard I try to justify myself, the Book does not sanction homosexuality. But when I came back… imagine… it’s been years since I’ve been on a date with a woman. I go off for my second pilgrimage and wham! Women everywhere!”

“What do I do?” she asks plaintively.

In her bid to cleanse herself from her sins, she goes from one ustaz to another, in vain hope that her sexuality is erased and she becomes pure. She seeks solace in dzikirs and prayers, while yearning for that one thing.

These are stories for you

And (remember) Lut, when he said to his people: “Do you commit the worst sin such as none preceding you has committed in the ‘Alamin (mankind and jinn)? Verses 80-81, Surah Al-A’raf

Verily, you practise your lusts on men instead of women. Nay, but you are a people transgressing beyond bounds (by committing great sins).”

“Thing is, I don’t see myself in conflict with God,” Haji Zainal Abidin tells me. Haji Zainal is 35 years old, and an accountant. He runs a few small businesses, and looks… manly. No, he’s not effeminate. He is the archetype of Malay manhood.

“The Book talks about how God creates perfection. So if you’re born handicapped – without an arm or leg, or you’re blind; that in God’s eyes is perfection itself. My homosexuality as far as I am concerned, is perfection in God’s eyes. I didn’t ask to be gay. I was born gay. I never knew anything else.”

But it has been stated clearly in the Quran that you and men (and women) like you are to be condemned, I prod.

“If I have committed great sins such as murder, I would not have been able to face the Kaabah when I went on my Hajj! Look, I’m not like some straight men I know that marry women even though they are either impotent or unable to have sex with their wives. I don’t lie. I don’t do all the bad things.”

Look at the Prophet Lut; Sodom and Gomorrah existed during his time. The Revelation didn’t materialise from nothing.

“At that time, they were sleeping with everything under the sun, even their own children. It was a huge orgy then. Now we do, but it’s discreet, and not so much.”

“To answer your question: yes. I am very comfortable being a Muslim that happens to be gay. And vice-versa.”

Do you know where your husband is tonight?

Homosexuality is a lifestyle we must accept that exists, whether we like it or not. While many gay or bi-sexual Malaysians prefer to keep mum about their sexuality, it’s an open fact. Go to Bukit Bintang or KLCC, and you’ll see quite a number of men walking together.

To generalise their appearance would of course be wrong, but you can more or less suss them out. Sometimes, clichéd as it may sound, it’s the walk. Their hair and tell-tale earring in their left earlobe. Muscled physiques. Lean bodies. Walking slightly ahead or behind their partners. On the other hand, there are straight and buff men sporting ear-rings.

Many times you cannot see who is or is not gay. There are thousands of men and women that marry and have families. Some accept their fates and are straight and narrow (pun not intended) but many have other lives. There’s this urban legend about a pair of lovers that married sisters, who think they’re oh-so-lucky to have found husbands that are best friends. Tsk, tsk, if only they know.

According to Hisham Hussein, the chairman of PT Foundation, 50 percent of the callers that communicate with PTF’s counselling centre are gay men. Yet there is an increasing number of men that call, who are confused about their sexuality. These men come from all races and backgrounds.

“When it comes to HIV and Aids, it is no longer a gay man’s disease. It is everyone’s. And believe me when I say that straight men play a big part in this,” Hisham said.

There is this common perception that when a heterosexual man infects his female partner – wife or girlfriend – with HIV, he has acquired the services of a sex worker or is having an affair with another woman. That has happened and is still happening.

What is becoming a more visible phenomenon is husbands or boyfriends that have sex with men. These men do not see themselves as cheating on their partners, for these reasons:

• Receiving fellatio or having sex from a male/female/transexual sex worker is just services rendered
• Receiving said sex act or having sex with a man does not constitute an affair because the third party is a man, not a woman

“I wouldn’t say it is a Malay-Muslim issue,” Hisham stated carefully, “but it is a phenomenon. We have so many problems. Has anyone attempted to question the root of the problem? Has anyone asked what is happenning and why is it happening? Are we in a state of (adamant) denial?

“There is a lot of head-shaking and moralising in Malaysia. Whether you’re gay or not, we have a serious issue to deal with: HIV and AIDs. We also have to deal with perceptions – for instance, sodomy sometimes or may happen among prisoners. This is not considered homosexuality. It’s just an outlet. So where does that leave straight and gay men?”

My gay male friends are always scandalised when they get picked up in chat-rooms by straight men. These men are happily married. Is it the thrill of the unknown and dangerous that makes these men leave the comfort and sensuality of women?

“Why do straight men sleep with men?” I once asked.

“Because only a man knows how to please a man,” my friend said.

Tudung lesbians

I used to write for two mainstream newspapers in the 90s, and last year I started blogging (my blog is now defunct). I have a few readers that stayed loyal and followed my work all these years, and picked up a few new ones along the way. I have been Agony Aunt, Matchmaker, Headmistress to quite a number, and it was earlier this year when I noticed a trend among the correspondence I received from them.

They were all young women.

They all wore the hijab.

They think they’re gay.

It was one thing to advise young women on studies, dating, possessive parents and diets, it’s another thing to deal with sexuality. And I certainly am ill-equipped to advise them on their confusion.

What struck me was my ignorance and small-mindedness pertaining to this matter: I actually thought that there was no way a girl in a tudung could have homosexual tendencies. You’re wearing a tudung, for crying out loud, you have taken a divine oath to be a good Muslim, you can’t be a lesbian.

Later I thought, what you wear and practise has no bearing on the person you really are.

They were confused and frightened. They too asked me the same question: how could they be gay when they were brought up as good Muslims? They wear the scarves, they don’t mess about, they pray, they’re good daughters and friends, but they desire only women.

“Women are softer, and smell nicer than men,” one of them wrote to me.

One, in her bid to become straight, had an affair with boy her age. Yes, she even slept with him. Anything, even though it’s wrong, so that I become straight, she said.

It was awful being with a man. Men were so rough.

I never replied to her e-mails. I didn’t know what to say.

When I performed my Umrah last year, I met one of my Arab cousins in Jeddah. Sahar told me that there was a huge number of young men and women in the city turning gay as there were little interaction between the sexes.

She asked me this: in Malaysia, you’re pretty free to mingle among the sexes. If one has to be orthodox about homosexuality, then why are there gay men and women – closeted or out in the open – in KL (Malaysia)?

The interview

I did communicate with one reader. She kindly agreed to an e-mail interview, which is furnished below:

When did you realise you were gay? Were you conscious of it? Did you know what it was?

To be honest I don’t really know if I am gay. I know I am attracted to women, sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically. More than I am attracted to men, that’s for sure, although I won’t deny I am attracted to men too. Being with women makes me feel safer, makes me feel more confident. Men just… scare me. On some level I suppose I’ve always known, on another I’ve been in denial. In terms of accepting it as a fact of life, I don’t think I’ve even accepted that word: gay.

I just tell my friends - those who know-lah, and this is not many - I’m not quite so straight. I went to an all-girls’ boarding school; I was semi-popular, was a school jock, I got girls then. But I figured that was just a phase, you read a lot about it in books about growing up, about attachment to members of the same sex, they say it’s normal. Ten years after high school, and you’re still stuck in that place, you start thinking, is this a phase still, or are you not quite who people think you are?

How is your background? How were you brought up?

My background - middle-class suburban Malay, live in a predominantly Malay area. I come from a very religious background but very liberal as well. My parents made sure I kept to my fives (prayers), I don’t drink and I don’t do the normal KL lifestyle thing: no dancing, no clubbing. Worst of my vices is probably teh tarik.

But my parents taught us to be open minded; we read a lot, we were allowed to ask questions and often were given straight answers. They also operated based on trust - they just assumed we told the truth at all times. I spent my childhood abroad, then boarding school, then abroad again.

How do you feel now? What is your struggle like?

Most of the time, confused. I am trying to define who I am, not just in the eyes of the world, but the eyes of God. I talk to some people, they say to me, if you’re gay, you’re gay, just embrace it. I can’t, I think a lot about religion. It’s clear that no conventional religion in the world accepts homosexuality, not just those of the Abrahamic tradition. That underlines to me how wrong this is in the eyes of religion.

I know it’s the 21st century, I know religion is uncool, but I am a Muslim. I say the Syahadah, I submit, so I play by the rules. That is my commitment. I don’t own my life, God does. But I also have human needs; I want to be in a relationship, I’m a sappy romantic at heart despite the exterior. I see people walking together holding hands, I want that too. But with who? If it’s another girl, then what am I risking? Where is the line that religion draws? Therein lies the conflict.

You mentioned once you may just succumb to that life and then repent. What’s stopping you?

The fact that I might not be led back to repent. It’s easy when you say it, Alah tua nanti aku taubat la (I’ll repent when I’m older) but how do you know for sure that you will be led back? There are no certainties in life; and my fear lies in the fact that I would be so lost, I can never find my way back. So I try to keep on the straight and narrow, hard as it may be. Spiritual aspects of my life means a lot more to me than the here and now.

Obviously wearing the hijab is not a deterrent. How do you reconcile with the image and perception? Do you feel guilty?

I think wearing the hijab has deterred me from a few things. While I’ve accepted the fact that I am not as straight as people think I am, I’ve never done anything about it. I’ve never actually pursued a relationship with another woman, for instance, since I left school.

I’ve thought about it, obviously, but wearing the hijab somehow reminds me that I am a Muslim first, and if Islam prohibits this there must be a reason why it is prohibited even though sometimes it may not make sense to me. ‘Islam itu syumul, kita yang tak’ is what I say to myself a lot. I don’t go out to gay bars, I don’t seek out women to date, I don’t do personal ads.

Internally there is a lot of conflict between who people think I am, and who I am learning to accept myself to be. Because of my religious upbringing, people sometimes ask me stuff about fardhu ‘ain, hukum hakam agama, (the basics and principles of religion) and also sometimes I get asked to lead prayers (women only congregations, I am no Amina Wadud!) I haven’t done that in a long while though, I keep relegating, because I am unclear how Islam views someone like me: admittedly not straight but not living a homosexual lifestyle either. Am I living in sin? Who I ask about this, I have no idea.

I read a lot, and the advice seems to circulate around the fact that if ‘I don’t want to go to hell’ then I am to repent, leave behind the lifestyle, be with more righteous people and get married. I have no ‘lifestyle’ to leave behind - I think I am a pretty conservative modern Muslim. As for marriage, it’s all fine and dandy to say that, but if men just don’t do it for me, then what on earth would marriage be for me and whoever my husband will be, if not one massive heartbreak?

As for guilt - in the beginning there was a lot of guilt. I wasn’t quite sure where I stood in the eyes of God. I felt very distant from God for a while, even though I was still praying and reading the Quran as I always was. Then I thought a lot, I figured, what sin have I committed?

If I felt a certain way towards women, then there must be a reason - be it psychological or biological, I’ve never really wondered about which - but there must be a reason: be it something as simple as this being a test from Him. Nowadays I am trying to regain the closeness with Him I once felt.

Can you live with a woman and not have sex?

I suppose. But if I fancied this woman, and there are feelings, even if I’d never act on it, there would be a lot of associated guilt. I’d want to clear this with scholars first. If Islam allowed it, then I’d have no problem with it. I’ve never had sex before, so I don’t really know what I’m missing, haha.

Can you live with a man?

If I trusted him, yes. If he can accept me warts and all, then yes. But again, this is not something tried and tested. I am open to the idea of living with a man; but when push comes to shove, I still don’t know. I am uncomfortable with the idea of marriage in Malay society - the man as the provider, the woman as the carer; I’m not sure I fit that mold.

What is stopping you? Really.

Religion. I live my life by the rules of religion. What religion allows, I do, what it disallows, I try and stay clear from.

How would you advise other females? Do you have friends that are like you?

I don’t even know if I am in the right place to advise anyone, given my own state of mind. I think sexuality is something very personal; I am not in the right place to judge how others should react towards theirs. I’ve never really asked my friends if they are gay. Those that are, seem to be comfortable with their lifestyles as gay men and women. But there must be others like me, I can’t be the only one, I’m not THAT special.

If you could have anything, if you could put religion aside, would you embrace your homosexuality?

That’s a very big if. I can’t ever put religion aside, so there is really no question about that. But if religion allowed it - then bring it on! Look out girls, hahaha.

It is said that the Quran clearly stated that gay men are to be abhorred but there is no mention of lesbianism. What do you say?

I think homosexuality is homosexuality. It may refer to gay men, but that may just be translation and the use of the male nouns and verbs; I think it still applies to women. Although I know in syariah law, women who sleep with other women aren’t punished as severely as men - something about keeping them captive until they see the error of their ways, or something like that. Hey, if there is a loophole somewhere… I am all ears!

***

At the end of the day, one may question one’s self: does sexuality choose you or do you choose who you want to be?

And what matters most is your goodness, yes?

Many thanks to Professor Teh Yik Khoon for her permission to reproduce her article “Transsxualism Is A Biological Phenomenon”. This article was originally published in www.malaysiakini.com on 25th January 2006.

I refer to all the letters published recently on transsexuals. I feel that as a researcher in this area, I should speak out. Why is it so difficult for people to accept a person who is different from the norm even though this person has not done anything bad or hampered their quality of life? Why must people always be so judgmental and think that they are better than others?

They judge not only the transsexuals, but also physically challenged people, mentally-ill people, etc. Don’t forget that when you judge others and create hell for others, you are also being judged by God. God tells us to be kind and compassionate to others; not to take away the quality of life of others. At the end of the day, transsexuals themselves are going to answer to God, not to other people. So, please let God be the ultimate judge and not us.

As a researcher, there is already enough scientific research in the area of transsexualism to convince my colleagues and I that transsexualism refers to a biological phenomenon. This research is published in reputable journals as well as on the Internet. The debate on this issue goes on because people, especially those in authority, refuse to accept these scientific findings.

MCA’s Wanita chief Dr Ng Yen Yen did speak as a medical doctor once in support of transsexuals’ rights sometime back because she is aware of these scientific research.

The myths that male to female transsexuals are influenced to be one by their peers, that their parents dressed them up as girls when they were young because they wanted a daughter, that they were the only male child and were influence by their many sisters or that they were sexually abused when small, are still widely believed in society, including among professionals, as shown in TV3’s ‘Wanita Hari Ini’ programme on Nov 30 last year.

My research on 507 transsexuals in 2001, which has been peered reviewed internationally and accepted by the international academic community, shows nothing of the sort. Transsexuals start feeling different at a very young age, some as young as four or five years old. Their parents, especially their mothers, could not accept their cross-dressing let alone dressing them up as girls when they were small. They have both brothers and sisters as their role models. Many transsexuals were not sexually abused when small.

Researchers overseas that I know, including researchers like myself, started out wondering whether transsexualism is a social phenomenon. After carrying out our research, we all ended up believing strongly that you cannot ignore biological factors.

Concerning religion, I have spoken to an ustaz at Jakim (Jabatan Kemajuan Islam) and he said that if transsexualism is a biological factor, then Islam will have to reinterpret the matter. I hope the relevant authority will open up to the fact that transsexualism does have a biological factor. In Iran, the government has accepted the existence of transsexuals and pays for the sex change operation as they believe that quality of life is important to this community.

Lastly, I hope the media will be more balanced in their talk shows on marginalised communities as bias reporting will be very detrimental to their quality of life, creating more discrimination and marginalisation of these communities - like what TV3 has done with their ‘Wanita Hari Ini’ programme. I have already voiced out my dissatisfaction to them. Also, if everyone tries to have a friend among the transsexuals, you will have a different opinion about them.