Many thanks to one of our readers, Padawan, for contributing this article.

I got a little bit nutty this afternoon, nutty in a sense that I actually considered telling my mom that I am gay.

I do not know what got into me this afternoon, but it never quite struck me before this that I should actually consider letting my mom know the truth regarding sexuality. But why? Well maybe I am just tired of hiding it from her all the time. I have always told her that “I will never get married”…to a man that is, but I never said anything about being married to a woman. I never denied being gay to my mother, and neither did I ever admit that I was straight, ever.

It did occur to me today that there is nothing thats stopping me from changing my status quo in my family. It is just really a matter of whether I wanted to. So what if her youngest daughter suddenly told her that she is gay? I mean, what is the most she could do to me? Throw me out? Disown me? Probably, but not likely – after all, I am her ‘anak kesayangan’ (I admit) since my (straight) siblings have already left the nest.

I think before this, the thought of ‘coming out’ of my parents would seem entirely alien. And by ‘this’ I would mean before graduating and getting a decent job, which I only just begun at this year. Now that I somewhat have control over my finances, its sure as hell is a possibility that I could one day go to my mom and tell her,”‘mom, I don’t like men and I cannot ever be with one”. Maybe…just maybe.

I wonder how many PLUs out there suffer this predicament; parents do not that know you are gay, mom wants to hook you up with so-and-so’s son who is a who’s-who of some company. It must annoy you to bits! And you just want to shout out aloud “Mom I’m gay!’. I address this topic to the boys too. It must be harder for them. If you’re 30 (for example), single, got a good job and gay, mom’s bound to realise that you have never brought any of your ’friends’ home for dinner.

I am quite fortunate to have parents that are quite liberal, liberal in a sense that they do not expect me to find a man and start making babies rightaway. As far as my mother goes, she is completely fine with me remaining single all my life…but me being a lesbian? I am….not so sure though.

The essence of ‘coming out’ is surely not confined to just your family. But I am sure, for many, that is the starting point as gaining acceptance for who you are from the people who are closest to you, surely means alot. But I am sure there are just as many of us who would rather hide the truth from mom and dad simply because we would rather not break their hearts. I think I am quite right to say that most parents would rather not have their children turn out to be gay.

And to be honest I am not sure about this whole ‘coming out’ thing either. Although most of my gay friends do tell me that I have ‘gay’ written all over me. But heck, what do they know, they are just as gay as I am (haha). Plus, I would be darned if people at work knew about how gay I was (very). Which makes me take a step back and look at this whole ‘coming out’ issue more carefully, now I simply would not want my boss or colleagues to know would I?No way.

It seems like I am taking baby-steps at coming out of the closet. It seems after spending 20-odd years in there (I have been gay for as long as I can remember) I have gotten quite comfortable in there, a tad reluctant to step out..perhaps doing it one foot at a time for now, and occasionally stepping back in and shutting the door because I just do not know if it will be okay if I come out.

Occasionally it does get a little lonely in there. I know a part of me feels the need to be addressed by my own ‘team’ someday. It could just be that I am longing to find somewhere I belong in this world. What about you?

I hope you do not think I am pathetic. I have only a handful of PLU friends and all my best friends are straight. I do not hang out at gay clubs because I am not really interested in the gay clubbing scene altogether. What I appreciate is people like you and me, who are realistic about living in this straight straight real world, were we have work, earn and face the boss, come home from work and have dinner with your mother.

I discovered TiltedWorld close to a year ago, and it took me that long to finally say something around here. Well, maybe I am taking baby steps at this whole ‘coming out’ thing, albeit too small of a step maybe. But then again, what is the rush in it? Being gay is about knowing who you are inside, rather than who knows that you are gay.

Source: The Courage Campaign

The Courage Campaign is going all-out on the “offensive” in an outcry of today’s California Supreme Court’s decision to uphold a ban on same-sex marriage voted for during last year’s elections.

Before the CA Supreme Court made the decision, the Courage Campaign, a family of organizations devoted to bringing progressive change to California, called for married couples to submit personal pictures of themselves. They then stringed the pictures into a montage to the crooning voice of Rebecca Spektor (“And it breaks my – ah – ah – ah – ah – heart”).

As of today, the Courage Campaign is looking for funding to air a one-minute version of the video above, entitled “Fidelity”. In a statement released by email to subscribers of their listserv, they said that although “the court recognized the legal marriages of the 18,000 same-sex couples married in 2008, we are saddened by the Prop 8 decision. But we don’t have time to mourn the failure of the state court to restore marriage equality to California.”

In line with that, “the Courage Campaign will hit the California airwaves in the next 72 hours with a 60-second TV ad version of “Fidelity” — the heartbreaking online video viewed by more than 1.2 million people, making it the most-watched video ever in the history of California politics.”

Watch the one-minute video “Fidelity” on the Courage Campaign’s website.

In the past one week, a furious debate was sparked by a letter reproduced by Tilted World with the permission of the author. The letter had allegedly claimed that remarks of a not LGBTQ-friendly nature were used on air by a radio DJ. The DJ was heard talking about his ex-girlfriend who, according to the letter, “turned lesbian”. The DJ had allegedly retold the anecdote in a humorous and derogatory manner, including the use of the word ’sick’ to refer to his ex-girlfriend.

Several readers have contested that the word ’sick’ was at all used and that they did not find the DJ’s remarks to be in any way pejorative. To follow up on the debate spanning 22 comments (when this was written), the editorial team at Tilted World wishes to respond to the issue collectively and to state our position in the ongoing discussion.

To be clear, Tilted World does not guarantee the accuracy of facts or necessarily agree with the sentiments expressed when posting articles, new stories, letters, and opinion pieces written by other individuals not on the editorial team. We try to provide the direct source of our information and knowledge, whenever possible, as well as attributing all information taken from websites, books, blogs, and movies to their original sources.

In short, the views expressed by individual authors do not necessarily represent the collective view of Tilted World. Tilted World has been created to serve as an online community space to allow different individuals to express their views concerning the lives, rights, politics, experiences, and identity of the queer, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and gay community. In line with that goal, Tilted World encourages such discussions that go on in the “comments” section of every post. We do not censor comments, unless they are irrelevant or ad hominem attacks.

In light of the discussion on the DJ’s alleged remarks, Tilted World admits that we have not been able to obtain a clip of the DJ’s remarks. Referring to the discussion, however, there was definitely a call for and an attempt to locate the clip. Just because a clip of the alleged remarks cannot be found, we do not think that this issue should be closed, or that statements made by readers, should be retracted.

Regardless of whether a specific word has been used, the editorial team finds that the fact that several people were offended, and in turn, reacted negatively in response to the remarks made by the DJ reveal a greater issue to be examined and discussed. We view the issue not as one in which a slur or derogatory remark was targeted at the LGBTQ community, but as one in which an anecdote involving a queer woman was used as entertainment and was joked about on radio. The discussion highlights the responsibility public figures have and that they should be held accountable when making public announcements and remarks. The same way the public holds a minister accountable for what he says on the news and in newspapers, we should hold DJs, celebrities, academics, corporations, and journalists responsible for the remarks they make, directly or indirectly, in their work.

When remarks that belie any form of prejudice against another race, religion, sexuality, and gender identity are made in public without any sort of reprisal, such prejudice — no matter how insignificant or unintentional — is given the green light to proliferate. We feel that the published letter, despite its alleged factual inaccuracies, highlight the importance of the responsibility public figures have and address the issue that an individual was made into an “entertaining” and “newsworthy” object.

It is also of note to mention that while we condemn any all forms of discriminatory/disparaging remarks towards the LGBTQ community whose rights we advocate for, we want to be fair towards those people whom we (or our readers) criticize, and provide everyone their own space to speak for themselves. Tilted World has thus sent an email to the DJ letting him know that we are happy to publish any comments or views he has regarding the issue.

Per our published article of a letter written by one of our readers, Karen D’Cruz, on May 14, 2009, entitled ‘Gross Prejudices on Fly.fm’, we have taken it down at the request of the author.

The letter  expressed concern and outrage at anti-gay undertones in remarks made by Fly.fm DJ Prem while discussing the topic, “What you would not want to hear about your ex”.

Among other things, the letter claimed that while the DJ was elaborating on the rumors that his ex-girlfriend had turned gay, he had referred to the girlfriend as ‘sick’ and implied that though she was really pretty and he could not imagine why she ‘turned’ gay when she could have most men she wanted.

The author was concerned that the DJ was allowed to freely spread ‘prejudices and ignorance’ against the LGBT community on national radio and had sent the letter to multiple LGBT rights organization including Tilted World.

To be fair, none of the writers on Tilted World or Karen herself had actually heard the alleged comments on air. Subsequently, Tilted World has received a barrage of criticisms for posting the letter without fact-checking the contents of the letter. A few of the commentators have also contended that they listened to the relevant segment but did not hear tthe DJ makign any anti-gay comments.

To this, Tilted World would like to issue a public apology for posting the letter without first making attempts to contact Fly.fm directly over the matter.

The letter has since been taken down, as requested by author herself. While Tilted World has pressed her for the reasons of her decision, she has chosen to remain silent.

Post-investigation revealed that the author and the author’s source can only verbally verify their claims. I have since contacted the author’s source, asking her to recount what she actually heard on the radio that day. She has since replied me and confirmed that she did hear the alleged statements made by the DJ.

We are doing our best to obtain additional information regarding the radio show. To date, we contacted the radio show requesting for an audio clip of the segment. In addition, Tilted World has written to the DJ, asking him to clarify the allegations. Tilted World is presently still waiting for responses from both parties. Thus, the question of whether Prem had actually made the alleged remarks remains unsolved.

A potentially libellous picture of Prem with the caption ’spiteful ex-boyfriend’ was also posted together with the letter, but has since been taken down as well. As the person responsible for putting up that picture, I apologize for my inappropriate action.

In addition, while Tilted World will not censor any of the non-spam comments on the blog in line with its non-censorship policy, I would like to say sorry to for labelling some of the dissenting commentators as Prem’s friends in my comments on this post. I am barely of voting age yet, I have my lapses in maturity but I am also learning.

Bottomline, Tilted World retains its collective stance against homophobic remarks published or broadcast in the media as well as remains an outlet for the Malaysian LGBT community to voice their opinions and concerns.

As already elucidated in an earlier post, ‘What They say On Air’, the main focus at hand, is the discriminatory policy or lack thereof of national public radio stations.

Regardless of whether the DJ had used particular words or phrases as contended by some of our commentators, the main point of contention is a larger one – the fact that an anecdote on a person’s sexual orientation was made to be entertainment on radio.

And though I personally did not hear that particular episode, I am certain that this is not the first instance that Fly.fm’s responsibility in maintaining gender sensitivity has been questioned. I can bear witness to hearing terms like ‘not normal’ being used by DJs to describe homosexuality, phrases like “that’s so gay” being flung about as if the word ‘gay’ was some petty, belittling term, or phrases which reek of homosexual undertones, such as lyrics in Katy Perry’s song ‘I Kissed A Girl’ being censored while the sexually explicit lyrics of other songs remain untouched on Fly.fm.

And of course, this matter extends to all mass media in Malaysia. Whether it is in Astro airing shows that screen out the words ‘gay’ and ‘lesbian’ (corrected), local television programs vilifying transsexuals or local publications poking fun at ‘effeminate men’, local media organizations have time and again failed to be responsible in according respect to persons of different sexual orientations.

As such, Tilted World is looking into inquiring local media organizations – beginning with Fly.fm – for non-discrimination policies in the near future.

As for members of the LGBT community who feel that Tilted World has failed to serve as a credible advocacy site for the community, they are always welcomed to join the team as contributors and improve the site. Tilted World started as a community project – all contributors are full-time students/employees who free-lance for the site, and at least half the team are based outside Malaysia - and will remain so. As such, we face genuine time and resource constraints in administering and monitoring the site, and we will gladly recruit new contributors who think that can help the site serve the community better.

If there is one thing I have learned from this episode, it is that – and I think this applies to everyone – you can lose blog readers. You can lose radio listeners. You can lose anything and everything but you cannot lose morally.

Sincerely, Chong Yong Wei Gabrielle

Written on behalf of the Tilted Team

[ corrected: Astro did air shows that censored the words "gay" and "lesbian", but the censoring was done in Hong Kong; Astro bought the rights to the show (corrected again -- a Star PR representative claimed --without investigating first-- they "might" have censored it, hence confusion, but Astro was the one responsible after all) -- Lainie]

Many thanks to JC for contributing this post.

As we walk on the long weary path we call our lives, we stumble upon parts in which we are forced to make a choice. Some choose to take the path less taken; some choose to follow their hearts’ desires. But all in all, will it bring us to the future we hope for remains questionable. The choices we make and the choices others make are sometimes merely a simple indication of our hearts’ desires. What do we want for ourselves? Some of us can’t really answer this question. Those who are generally holier than thou would reply that they want to please God and to live in His will. Others who are deluded by the prospects of fame and fortune will merely say I want to be rich and famous. But what do YOU want? What does your heart desire most? That’s a question you have to answer in your own time, and till you manage to answer this question, you haven’t truly matured yet.While others may believe that our choices are selfish and against both God’s will and against the norm, we pursue them anyway. In the process, others will still try to change our choices as a feeble attempt to put their choices in our path. Your parents will do certain things and say it’s for your own good. Your friends will say that they’re doing this because they care for you. Both reasons are generally truthful but the very last question remains, but what’s your role in this decision making process? Will their choice fill the void in your heart? Will you be the person you dream of being and all in all, will that silent wish of yours ever come true? There is no reason for you take make a choice just to please others. Perhaps it is time for us to go against the world and stand up for who and what we are.

We have to come to an understanding that all of us seek different things and that’s why sometimes we end up believing that the other party is misled. What is right and what is wrong remains a question without an answer. While some of us may place their lives on the top of their decision making hierarchy, others may not do so. A mother who had lost her daughter in an accident may put her only remaining son on the very top of her list of factors to consider while a father in the same condition may put his supply of alcohol and sex on the top of his list. The general human nature would believe that what the mother is doing is right and what the father is doing is obviously wrong. But who would ever know that it was the mother’s protective actions that broke her homosexual son’s heart whilst the father’s choice of being sick and drunk that made the family stay together to nurse him? The way life works is beyond our comprehension. We are but mere mortals living to fulfill our very own purpose.  Every step we take to realize our dreams will sometimes be the undoing of our wishes. But then again, it’s just the human nature to keep on trying. Sometimes we try so hard, even when we know that the future we are trying so hard to avoid is indeed, inevitable. It’s like trying to make a straight guy fall in love with you, you know the odds are definitely against you but you love him anyway. Secretly you are betting on the 0.1% chance that he may be a bisexual even when he secretly onfides in you that he’s interested in a certain hot chick.

I fell in love with my best friend, and even though I knew he was straight and I would get hurt, I loved him anyway.Guess all we can do is to keep on choosing, regardless of where it’ll lead us to. We only have a choice over the action and none over the result. This little power of choice is all we have, though it can’t always bring us the ending that we want, we can always still live in denial and believe that it will bring the happy ever after we yearn. This little bit of belief is however what we call HOPE.

Wherever the trail leads you and whatever the choice you make, have hope and one day it will lead you to your very own fairytale.

Dear gals and pals,

I would like to bring your attention to a special cause today: a dear friend of mine, Yuki Choe, a male-to-female transsexual, is in dire straits and urgently in need of donations to support her living expenses.

HER CURRENT SITUATION:
Yuki is currently unemployed and living on what remains of her savings. She is also relying on some donations made through her blog but PayPal is not recognised by most Malaysian banks. She has few friends. Some are helping but not enough. Her family has turned her down as well.

She has applied for over 60 jobs but had only 2 interviews, one of which rejected her, and the other offered her a job as a mortgage and home loan provider. She is eager to take it up as a part-time job, as well as start her own business (selling art pieces), but lacks start-up capital.

She has been disqualified for state welfare. She is currently staying in a single room in USJ until she gets evicted. 

HOW YOU CAN HELP:

(1) All donors will be listed at Yuki’s blog (www.yukishock.blogspot.com). Donors can choose to be named or remain anonymous. Any amount will be deeply appreciated.

(2) Notify Yuki if you know anyone willing to offer her a job with a stable income -
Those of you involved in LGBT activism will know that many transsexuals in Malaysia entered the flesh trade after failing to notch a single decent job offer, but Yuki is determind not to meet the same fate. She is also the only actively blogging transsexual LGBT advocate in Malaysia. Let’s help her help herself, so that when she finally finds a firm footing, she can be a role model to all other transsexuals in Malaysia to lead independent, healthy and responsible lives.

(3) Spread this message around -
Post this on your blog, tell your friends, email your contacts – spread the word, get as many people as possible to chip in a little bit.

Please help Yuki get by, one day at a time. 
Your help will be deeply appreciated.

FOR MORE INFORMATION: 

She can be contacted at yuki.choe@yahoo.com.
For those who want to read about her life story, they can refer to yuki-thejourney.blogspot.com and yukishock.blogspot.com.

Please help if you can, or crosspost this on your blog too.

Bryan Tai writes about the double-standards that exist within the lgbt community.

Perhaps in almost every gay dating website that I have visited, phrases like “No Fems!”, “No Queens!”, or “No Fats!”, appear in abundance. Although I must admit that these phrases do not offend me as they are merely written to convey the preferences of the authors, they greatly perturb me as every time I come across such phrases, I never fail to ask myself: “How would these “Fems”, “Queens”, and “Fats” feel when they come across these phrases?”.

In “No Fats, No Fems: the Gay Masculine Ideal”, John A. Lewis, Jr. describes a prevailing masculine ideal in our society today that discriminates against male individuals who portray conventional feminine characteristics. In this article, I would not discuss how “prevailing” this ideal is in various cultures, demographies or countries. Instead, I would like to express my opinions on the ramifications and repercussions attached to these overt expressions of one’s preferences.

“Face the truth Bryan, as much as we say that emotional attraction is most important, you or I would never date someone who is ugly and fat.” When a friend of mine uttered to me the aforementioned sentence in a blatant yet nonchalant way, I was utterly dumbfounded. I understand that physical attractiveness plays a role in the process of “mate-seeking”, not only for LGBT-identified individuals, but perhaps, risking political inaccuracy, for all individuals as well. Nonetheless, the question I ended up pondering for the rest of the day was: “Should we be so overtly honest about our preferences with regard to physical attractiveness to the extent that it instigates negative feelings among others or even to the extent where it would be considered as condescending discrimination?”. Should we (LGBT-identified individuals), people belonging to a community that is subjected to discrimination and oppression, force more oppression on certain sub-communities in our community?

I understand that we have the rights to be honest about our preferences. People who prefer male partners should be allowed to distinctly choose male partners and likewise for others with other preferences. However, would it be better if we were a little more subtle about it? Perhaps by saying: “I am sorry, I am not attracted to you, not specifically because you are fat/feminine, but because I simply think that we are not compatible.”, we would inflict a lot less harm than by being overtly honest.

Sometimes in life, I find that there is really no one best solution that is exclusively “right”. In this case, we either tell the blatant truth and risk hurting people’s self-esteem or we tell a white lie to inflict less possible pain. I, personally do not think that the latter or the former is more righteous than the other; they are simply two alternatives. Nonetheless, I do hope that this article would convey the message that although it is completely fine to be completely honest about your preferences, it might be more appropriate to be more subtle in order to reduce discrimination within discrimination.

Work Cited
Lewis, J. A. Jr. “No Fats, No Fems: the Gay Masculine Ideal”. 2008-05-13. (http://www.articlesbase.com/men%27s-issues-articles/no-fats-no-fems-the-gay-masculine-ideal-412718.html)

By Legolas. You can view his blog at http://legolas80.blogspot.com/

HIV is on the rise, not only in the US, the UK, but also Malaysia. The doctors from hospitals knew, the anonymous screening at Pink Triangle Foundation shows, those people with HIV can tell. There is no statistics recorded with real numbers and cold evidence because the government couldn’t care less. They don’t recognize the problem’s source because they keep their eyes shut to homosexuality, even if they knew we exist. They’re more interested in money, power and coming up with silly thoughts.

How many of us had unprotected sex before? How many times you think you can be lucky and get away with it? 5 times? 10 times? No, it takes only 1 time. 1 time of fun and then a lifetime of pain. You say you trusted your partner. How sure are you? You can only be 100% sure if you are with him 24/7. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust your partner when you want to have protection, it means you love yourself. And like they always say, you have to love yourself before you can love other people. If your partner left you because of that, he didn’t love you at all, and he’s definitely worthless.

Who is going to protect yourself better than your own self? Don’t be so ignorant about HIV because no matter how good the medication nowadays have advanced, there is still no cure to HIV, after 27 years since it was first discovered. Don’t engage in unprotected sex no matter how much you trust your sexual partner. Learn and understand about AIDS and HIV. Get yourself tested every 6 months, even if you didn’t have sex because there is a possibility you might get it from other ways.

Don’t put yourself and the people you love in danger. The next time you want to have unprotected sex, think again. It takes only 1 time. Treasure your life and love yourself more.

HIV on Wikipedia

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Many thanks to KL Fairy for contributing this post. KL Fairy blogs at www.klfairy.blogspot.com.

(image from www.foxnews.com)

Prince Daniel was galloping down the streets of the mythical land of Kuala Lipis on his great white steed one day when something caught his eye. While it wasn’t the prettiest or the most vivacious specimen he has ever encountered, that one person managed to arouse Prince Daniel’s desire and make his beat skip a beat.

That person was drenched in sweat after a hard day’s work, had jet black hair that flowed like a waterfall, with a face that bore the slightest hint of strength yet portrayed every inch of youthful tenderness. That person stood out of the crowd glaringly, but managed to blend in to the vast curiosities around.

Being the dashing debonair he always is, Prince Daniel walked up to that one person out of the crowd and ask the person out on a date. He said yes.

Sounds familiar?

It is the classic fairy tale beginning to all great love stories. Boy meets one true love. Boy falls in love and both of them live happily ever after. While this might be the ultimate fantasy for little girls, little boys like me do have them sometimes (always!).

While in this fairy tale there are two princes and no princess, the plot develops the same way if the princess was thrown into the mix: true love will always prevail and the happily ever after is soon to follow.

However, reality check, not everything happens like they do in fairy tales and it usually does not end with a happy ending. Most of the times, the two princes have to deal with a lot from the townsfolk’s erratic behaviour towards gays before living in the istana. Or even worst, the two princes would have to live double lives as straight men and arrange secret meetings in the dark of night to profess their love to each other. In other worst case scenario, the two princes might be stoned to death or burned at the stakes.

It is so easy for the townsfolk to spread love and joy towards each other, while chanting cries of unity and equal love for all races across the country and yet, it is so difficult for them to grasp the simple bond the two princes’ share for each other. Most townsfolk believe it is unnatural and sinful for the prince to fall in love with another prince, let alone for a prince to harbour feelings for another man.

How can the townsfolk practice what they preach about love, fairness, unity and equality when they could not simply give a chance to the two princes to live happily ever after? Is the townsfolk one true purpose on Earth to make the two princes lives a living hell? After all, all the two princes did was to love one another.

While the ending of this fairy tale is unforeseeable, we can send our best wishes to the two princes. In the mean time, it is time we embrace our own identity and started telling and educating people how similar we are.

Show the townsfolk that we not any different than they are. Show them that we are all human and are bonded together by the same flesh and blood. Show to them the universal love we share amongst gays to them. Eventually, when we open our hearts and extend a loving arm, a willing and understanding hand would reach back and grasp it.

To all gays out there, while society is being a bitch, out to make our lives hard, hold on tight to who you are. Against all the odds, your knight in shining armour is on the way. While he might be late due to the massive traffic jam along Jalan Sultan Ismail, rest assured, he is on the way.

P.S. Shh.. I wrote this during work, and I doubt that my boss would be very happy to find out that his employee is cajoling behind his back!!

Cheers,
KL Fairy.

www.klfairy.blogspot.com

 Many thanks to Michelle for contributing this post.

I’m a 20-something female, excellent student (or so I think), filial daughter, great older sister to two younger siblings, and a (self-professed) wonderful friend. I am also a lesbian. Or again, so I think.

I fell in love with someone of the same sex when I was 16. We have now been together for 4 years. Of the 4 years, we have spent 2 years apart, because I have left Malaysia in pursuit of a higher education. That translates into 2 sex-less years, 2 no-physical-contact years. So damn the people who think same-sex relationships are all about the sex.

When I first “found out” that I had feelings for my partner, I honestly thought I had it all wrong. I thought it was basically because I was studying in an all-girl’s school, and because I had no contact with boys (so they say), I developed feelings for this person out of curiosity and need and what-have-yous. I used to tell myself that whatever feelings I had for her were just high-school crushes, and nothing serious, or to be taken seriously. I told myself that it would all go away.

How funny and ironic it is, then, that we started our relationship when the both of us were in Sixth Form, studying in an all-boy’s school.

I said I am a lesbian, or so I think. There is a reason why I say this, even today, after sharing a loving relationship with my partner for 4 years. And counting.

I was never physically attracted to my partner to start with. I was more attracted to her attributes, her character, her “insides”. I was attracted to her heart. I fell in love with the person, not the sex. I fell in love with the soul, not the face or body. The more I loved her inwardly, the more I fell in love with her outwardly.

Sometimes I still think, what would life be like if I were to be ‘normal’. If I were to be like so many others who fall in love with a person of the opposite sex. Sometimes, I still wish I did.

My parents have no idea that I am the way I am. Or maybe they have a slight inkling, but have chosen to think otherwise. I tried hinting to them about it once, but all I got from them was “Don’t disappoint me”. I’ve never mentioned it again ever since.

My partner, she wishes she was a full-blooded male. My partner wishes we could get married, and have children. I used to think, if my partner were a male, would I still love her/him? I used to tell myself, maybe not, because if he was a male, then I probably wouldn’t fall in love with him. After all, if I fell in love with a female, it means I’m a lesbian, and I’d never fall in love with a male. Right?

I’ve come to figure out that I’m wrong. I love my partner not because she’s a lesbian, not because she’s a female. I fell in love with her, and continue to love her, because of her heart and soul. And if that same heart and soul were to appear in a man’s body, I’d love him still the same.

So am I a lesbian? I think so, but sometimes I’m not so sure. Perhaps this is what they term as bisexuality. But in either case, it is but a term.

To me, I just happened to fall in love with a person who shares the same sex. I didn’t first chose the physical body, and then the heart and soul. I chose to fall in love with the heart, the physical body just came with it.

It took me two whole years to come to terms with myself, and admit my feelings for my partner. It is going to take even longer if I were to let my parents know about it.

This is only my half-story. I have the rest of my life to live out. The closet, I have found out, is a dark and stuffy place. Unfortunately, I’m still only halfway out of it. But the closet is definitely not a place I would want to be in for the rest of my life.