Many thanks to Michelle for contributing this post.

I’m a 20-something female, excellent student (or so I think), filial daughter, great older sister to two younger siblings, and a (self-professed) wonderful friend. I am also a lesbian. Or again, so I think.

I fell in love with someone of the same sex when I was 16. We have now been together for 4 years. Of the 4 years, we have spent 2 years apart, because I have left Malaysia in pursuit of a higher education. That translates into 2 sex-less years, 2 no-physical-contact years. So damn the people who think same-sex relationships are all about the sex.

When I first “found out” that I had feelings for my partner, I honestly thought I had it all wrong. I thought it was basically because I was studying in an all-girl’s school, and because I had no contact with boys (so they say), I developed feelings for this person out of curiosity and need and what-have-yous. I used to tell myself that whatever feelings I had for her were just high-school crushes, and nothing serious, or to be taken seriously. I told myself that it would all go away.

How funny and ironic it is, then, that we started our relationship when the both of us were in Sixth Form, studying in an all-boy’s school.

I said I am a lesbian, or so I think. There is a reason why I say this, even today, after sharing a loving relationship with my partner for 4 years. And counting.

I was never physically attracted to my partner to start with. I was more attracted to her attributes, her character, her “insides”. I was attracted to her heart. I fell in love with the person, not the sex. I fell in love with the soul, not the face or body. The more I loved her inwardly, the more I fell in love with her outwardly.

Sometimes I still think, what would life be like if I were to be ‘normal’. If I were to be like so many others who fall in love with a person of the opposite sex. Sometimes, I still wish I did.

My parents have no idea that I am the way I am. Or maybe they have a slight inkling, but have chosen to think otherwise. I tried hinting to them about it once, but all I got from them was “Don’t disappoint me”. I’ve never mentioned it again ever since.

My partner, she wishes she was a full-blooded male. My partner wishes we could get married, and have children. I used to think, if my partner were a male, would I still love her/him? I used to tell myself, maybe not, because if he was a male, then I probably wouldn’t fall in love with him. After all, if I fell in love with a female, it means I’m a lesbian, and I’d never fall in love with a male. Right?

I’ve come to figure out that I’m wrong. I love my partner not because she’s a lesbian, not because she’s a female. I fell in love with her, and continue to love her, because of her heart and soul. And if that same heart and soul were to appear in a man’s body, I’d love him still the same.

So am I a lesbian? I think so, but sometimes I’m not so sure. Perhaps this is what they term as bisexuality. But in either case, it is but a term.

To me, I just happened to fall in love with a person who shares the same sex. I didn’t first chose the physical body, and then the heart and soul. I chose to fall in love with the heart, the physical body just came with it.

It took me two whole years to come to terms with myself, and admit my feelings for my partner. It is going to take even longer if I were to let my parents know about it.

This is only my half-story. I have the rest of my life to live out. The closet, I have found out, is a dark and stuffy place. Unfortunately, I’m still only halfway out of it. But the closet is definitely not a place I would want to be in for the rest of my life.