I am currently in a happy, committed and fulfilling relationship with a person of the same sex. However, this person is neither a homosexual nor a bisexual. Or rather, this person is strictly heterosexual. If you are puzzled, then read on.
I assume that you are probably one of many, many people who assume that one is only capable of falling in love with persons of the sex you are attracted to. I also assume that you probably also assume that the sexual orientation of a person can be determined by the sex of the person he/she falls in love with. Underlying these assumptions is another assumption: that sexual attraction is one of the indispensable prerequisites for love.
I beg to differ.
Sexual orientation is only but the categorization of which sex you are physically and sexually attracted to, and nothing more than that.
Falling in love is, on the other hand, a yearning to spend your life with a person, believing that that person is the most wonderful human in the world, and loving that person unconditionally for who that person is. Love does not give a damn about your dress size or your football club affliation, whether you are white, black or polka dot, which set of reproductive organs you possess or even if you possess any at all. Love is blind as a bat.
Most of us probably come across many people whom we find sexually attractive in our daily life. That dashing captain of your school’s football team. That vivacious lady who works in the human resource department in your company. We do not, however, always find ourselves falling head over heels in love with these people in the purest sense.
We do, on the other hand, often fall in love with people whom we would not have considered as sexually attractive in a platonic relationship. Thus, we fall in love with people with bulging beer bellies, people who are mentally handicapped, people with a disastrous fashion sense, people who are significantly older etc. And yes, people whose anatomical make-up we may not be naturally inclined to desire. (Or even people whose anatomy may not be complete at all due to cancer, physical handicap, accidents etc) Yes, we are capable of falling in love with people who may be sexually very unattractive.
Thus, even though I am not naturally inclined to be sexually attracted to males, that does not mean that falling in love with a boy is an absolute impossibility for me. I may not be physically attracted to persons of his sex, but I am very capable of falling in love with people who are unique, mature, sincere, caring and intelligent, regardless of their sex. I cannot automatically love someone just because I am physically attracted to that person. I can, however, find someone physically attractive because I love that person.
Gay rights activists and those who condemn homosexuality like to bicker over whether sexual orientation is fixed or malleable. While the fact remains that sexual orientation is shaped by both biological and social forces, and that it is neither determined by fate nor changeable at will, gay rights activists almost always only stress on the former and their adversaries, the latter. At times, both sides argue so well that we are led to believe that if sexual orientation is “proven” to be fixed, then it is assured that one is incapable of falling in love with a person whose sex is counterintuitive to his/her sexual orientation. They devote so much effort to debating whether homosexuality is “natural” and legitimate, that they miss the more important issue of So What If It Is Not Natural? So What if I am a heterosexual but I choose to fall in love with a person of the same sex? And so what if I am a homosexual but I choose to fall in love with a person of the opposite sex? Is it not a very natural thing to fall in love?
If I had believed that sexual attraction is the sole basis for falling in love with someone, then I would have given up all hope of pursuing that girl whom I fell in love with who happens to be heterosexual. But I did not. And now I am so glad I did not.
The girl whom I fell in loved with, is very pretty, but I fell in love with her for so many reasons other than her physical beauty, for the qualities in her which are eternal, for the beauty in her which only the heart can see. And because I love her, she becomes stunningly beautiful in my eyes.
Yong Wei is still a teenager. She would like to be idealistic and optimistic about life and love without being accused of naivete while she is still allowed to do so.
July 31st, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I hope your relationship turns out as well as you hope it can be.
July 31st, 2008 at 1:20 pm
July 31st, 2008 at 9:54 pm
absolutely. i love this article and i found it very touching and meaningful. i am a heterosexual female, n totally agree that u dont hv to be sexually attracted to a person to love him/her. i fell in love with my very special someone because of his intelligence, his wonderful personality and good heart… not because he had outstanding physical traits or good looks. sexual attraction is what comes naturally AFTER falling in love… when you accept him/her for who he/she is, and that person becomes beautiful in your eyes because of his/her inner qualities shining thru
we come by love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning how to see an imperfect person perfectly. xoxo
August 1st, 2008 at 1:17 am
You write beautifully.
“I cannot automatically love someone just because I am physically attracted to that person. I can, however, find someone physically attractive because I love that person.”
“And because I love her, she becomes stunningly beautiful in my eyes.”
It’s a he for my case. You took the words right out of my mouth.
August 2nd, 2008 at 2:53 pm
This is just beautiful. It holds so much truth because people nowadays have actually forgotten love just as it is. We’re almost living and loving based on the labels slapped on our face. And that doesn’t feel natural at all. It feels so forced.
I am very happy for you and your significant other because I believe you have gone through a lot to finally be with her. You’re lucky, and she’s lucky to have you.
I don’t identify as a lesbian, but, bisexual, maybe. And I have to personally thank you because you’ve given me so much hope and courage to pursue the ’straight’ girl I’ve been hopelessly in love for three years. She’s rejected me directly and indirectly for numerous times, she has been hinting me to get a boyfriend and start a new life, and she’s done anything she could to ‘tell’ me that she’s straight. Or she just doesn’t like me. But I’ll try. Miracles do happen, no? I hope they do.
I hope everybody will read this article. And I wish you and your girlfriend can last forever. There aren’t just enough happy endings in this world; you’ve just got to be one of them
(Have you sent this article to THE STAR or any other publications? I think you should, because it’s really very well written and most importantly, it carries a very, very important message.)
August 4th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
This article is by far one of the best written i have read on explaining why it’s possible to fall in love with a person whom you may not have been physically attracted to.
Indeed, i once thought i was bisexual because i was with a man whom i did not find physically attractive for 4.5 years. [Sexual gratification is of course another issue altogether.] He was articulate and intelligent; jovial, charismatic and encouraging. Though now i know i am lesbian, because of the sex i am physically attracted to, it took much pains to explain to partners why being with a man for such a long time doesn’t make me bisexual or straight.
Love is natural… i wish you and your partner all the best.
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:48 am
Fair enough. Though, it’s rather hard to change the general acceptance of the society. And most people are afraid to go against them. Afraid of being discriminated. Sad isn’t it?
November 4th, 2008 at 11:45 am
I can put myself in your shoe. I have the same thing for a dear friend of mine. It is not about being together or anything, it is about the support and love we share between each other which words need not describe.
You don’t need a kiss to seal your love. You need a heart to love.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:31 am
oh. we’re on the same page ! my girl is completely straight and does not look at another girl with the same eyes as she does for me. and being straight or not-so-straight is a like anything else men love to do ; put it all in a box.
The word we use is : fluid.
Good read mate ! wishing you folks lotsa love
March 5th, 2009 at 1:29 am
This the most beautiful article I ever read…. My girl is straight too and I still haven’t give up completely pursuing her, eventhou my chance just 50/50.. I just can say that I can’t give her up for many wonderful reason..
March 19th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Bravo!! I have been through a very confusing life realization about this very topic lately and this is a perfect way of describing it. I am a heterosexual female and actually have two people I am in love with, a woman and a man. I am not physically attracted to either of them, and they are a significant amount of years older than me, but I am most definitely in love.
this article makes me feel better about my situation and makes me glad to know I’m not alone. Thank you, and all luck to you in your relationship!
March 21st, 2009 at 6:15 pm
oceaneyes: perhaps because there is a difference in sexual identity, behaviour and orientation — either way, all the best with you and love
July 12th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
This piece is beautifully written. I myself always believed that you can’t help who you like or love. If the chemistry is there, it’s just there. I have always considered myself a “straight” girl with an open mind to accept and open myself up to the endless opportunities. And then it happened, I finally found someone who I felt could and would complete me. And yes, she’s a lesbian. When I’m with her, around her, on the phone with her, I see her for the person she is on the inside and not the way most see and judge her on the outside. For the first time, it feels right….